I don't know why I held this back since I don't see the harm in anyone knowing but I only told one person about 3 years ago and kept it to myself. I don't know why anymore...
When I was 14 things were a bit more... "normal" but one day things just changed, I mean in the way I think of others. How do I mean? Well I one day stopped feeling that kind of "love" or infatuation. It just went, out of the blue I stopped seeing people that way I stopped feeling attraction of that kind to people. To be honest though I considered this a blessing, freedom from judging people from their looks and focusing on their personalities (which usually rear uglier than most faces.) I quickly discovered that those who I was... "interested" in were completley different. I no longer saw in them what I used to see just the bitter inside (yeah this is getting like a lame cheesy facebook thing written by a twelve year old girl). So this opened my eyes and freed me, in short I liked this new way of seeing people. Having no interest (for want of a better word) "romantically" with anyone else it felt like I was 'free,' no more distraction or longing or desires or hunger.
In a way it's sort of tranquil I've made more friends because of it but... (and this is a big stinky but) I've kind of hurt people as well. When people show interest I respond in a cynicle way to get out of explaining all this... it's not that it's hard to explain but it's hard for them to understand, I can predict what they would say anyway so the cold shoulder is probably the best way. Through the years of having this state of mind I've considered trying to get help to 'fix' it... but then I remember the good points. It's not like there is anyone I'm giving this up for at least not yet, so if I were to give it up I could just get pathetically lonely in the gap of 6 months and really regret it.
If I have no real reason to seek 'help' is there any point? Hell do I need help? Am I broken? Somehow I don't think I am... although I don't believe in the "soul" I still feel as though I've lost a major part of "the soul" but despite this fact, that I lost a major part of what makes you "human" I feel complete. It sounds wierd I like being alone too much, maybe that's because it's all I know now but if you find perfection would you really want to change that?
I mentioned that I told someone this and they were really supportive I consider them one of the greatest people I've met because of how supportive they were. I don't know why I told them really I don't regret it of course but looking back I guess I just wanted to see their reaction to see if it really is "wierd" or anything. They suggested I should get some form of 'help' but once again if I feel this makes me stronger... should I kill it? Or is this "happiness" just an illusion? It reminds me of that film about the angel who wants to become human again so he falls (They made a remake of it called "the city of angels" with Nicollus Cage but that's not the film I'm talking about. This film was German and was a much better version. In the Cage version he wants to become human just to 'get it on' with Meg Ryan. The original was so much more than that though, he embrases human values and learns what it means to be human... "pajamas.") Anyway the angel "falls" when he hits the floor he becomes human again... though I have no desire to jump off of the empire state building any time soon I feel it's relatable. With the gift of never being tempted or loared into getting 'hurt' is it normal to want to stop? If so... why don't I want it to stop? Well that's enough for today... maybe I'll come back to this when I have more to say about it...
Well I guess I'll leave a song again I already found a good relatable one...
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