"This infernal road I walk will never be the same once I have walked it, the ground will bear the marks of my feet, the indentations caused by my weight, the sky above me will have moved on and yet the world will still forget..."
So this week I've been making my self busy when I can on Dear Esther wiki, to be honest i quite like the solitude of being there. Quite appropriate considering the game that the wiki is based around...
I think of myself currently as the "hermit" of the wiki, they will probably leave gifts for me one day but I will be too far gone to recieve them. I think... or at least hope that the users there will come back I could do with an admin there telling me if what I'm doing is right, I have several ideas I wouldn't mind discussing.
I've found things to have slowed down lately, maybe it's the depression kicking in, but I swear less is happening now... guess it's just the winter. The cold slows everything down I seem to find, especially PSN (HA I made a funny). Yeah PSN store was in "Maintenance" last night so I'm crossing my fingers hoping that The Walking Dead episode 4 comes out tonight... though it's more likely going to be a stupid call of duty wall paper for the store. (Christ I hate it when they do that...)
Speaking of The Walking Dead I saw series 3 last night, I loved it's dark atmosphere and pacing, I won't spoil any plot points for my fellow UK readers, but my main love for the episode was the prison itself. It's so intimidating, it shows how far removed the characters are when they see a place that looks like hell as home... although the mind can make a hell of heaven and a heaven of hell.
I guess that's it for today back to living for me... well you know sorta-living...
"I have run out of places to climb, I will abandon this body and take to the
air, We will leave twin vapour trails in the air, white lines etched into these
rocks, I am the aerial, In my passing, I will send news to each and every star."
I'm back, my week long... URGH hate this word "hiatus" turned into a month long retirement...
So what happened? Well nothing really, though I suspect that it's down to me being less depressed than usual and that usually means that I run out of things to write about.
So yeah I'm depressed again, huzzah! More material!
So what's new?
I played episode 3 of the walking dead game (I don't remember if I hadn't done that yet) and I've also started reading the graphic novels. I've also started recently contributing to the Dear Esther wiki since Dear Esther is one of my favourite games. Though I wrote a review on it...
Well today I've done all I need to, I'll try to post later on this week and get back into the routine of things.
Well last night I finally did all the part for my "They Hunger" playthrough, I'm going to upload them one a day throughout halloween I just have to add Jon Arryn's lines in and it's done!
I'll upload a part every day for a sort of advent period before Halloween, I'm quite looking forward to it. I also heard that The Walking Dead season 3 will sho in America mid October too which I also cannot wait for.
Today I've been thinking a bit about what I should do for christmas... I was kind of hoping that I'd do what I was going to do last year. It was (suprise suprise) a version of "A christmas carol" with Francis from l4d. I'll see how it goes...
I PROMISE NOTHING!
I owe a song... well 2 songs but if I do that every day then I'll end up posting over 10,000 on one post...
The Walking dead season 3 trailer song to show my... excitment
Nothing more to say today, sorry but well... maybe tomorrow.
You know I could never understand what was up with people who despise Mondays... yeah they are a pain in the ass but in my opinion Tuesday is the most evil day of the week... by that stage you've had just about enough of work but the weekend is 3 whole days away... I hate Tuesdays.
So last night I went to see another play, I've been doing this for years once a month. I am fully aware of people's attitudes towards plays and theatre most people say "why not watch a film." Well I've never watched a film before, come out of the cinema and then walk right past the main actor of the film... except that premiere I sneaked into back in the day.
I liked it more than the last play, they always tell me that the best thing you can do is "modernise" plays. This doesn't mean improve it in anyway... no... this means cram it full of pop culture refrences and shit jokes until it's wrist-slittingly-annoying. Usually this includes (but not limited to)
Crotch thrusting
Innuendo and euphemisms
Out of place pop culture refrences (often from the 90s)
An annoying guy who practically makes it panto
Lest I forget the ungodly ammount audience interaction that is more painful than funny. Honestly things are "timeless" becuase they are just as good and valid today as they were 500 years ago! So don't change it!
Hello... man who reads this from his basement, oh and crazy college lady I forgot you to. (sorry)
Ok so last friday I was riding a bus, for those of you who have never been on a bus (lucky bastard) I'll explain it as best I can. You wait for the right number of a bus that drives closest to your destination, for example 123 will go to the residential areas of the city whereas 456 will go to the central business districs.
So some where there will be one that goes to the centre of them lets call this bus 789, there are many more buses in the town, but that's as simple of an answer I can give.
Anyway so I recently did something very... very... stupid, I got on the wrong bus. I was chasing a bus that I swear to God said 123, but it said 456 and I ended up going about 10 minutes walk down the road, after almost an hour of navigating side streets. I make my excuses and leave, now I know what you're thinking "how can anyone do this?" Well... I found out a neffarious plot that most bus drivers have thought up...
So on friday I got a bus, the bus was my normal (hyperthetical) 123 bus... or so I thought, I got about half way there and thought huh... I swear this bus usually turns left instead of carrying on. When suddenly it hit me, "shit I've gotten on the wrong bus again!" Anywho I decide the only thing I can do at this stage is just see where it takes me and try to make my excuses and leave as soon as I can. So I get all the way down the route of 789 bus and find a place where if I walk for half an hour I could probably make it home by 5pm (bearing in mind that I left early at around 3pm.)
As soon as I got off the bus I turned around to see that the bus still said 123, then the scumbag bus driver changed it to 789 and drove off! What kind of fucked up world is this?! Are you telling me that bus travel is safe? What's the point in time tables, waiting and even getting on the right number of bus? There is non, because there is more than a chance that some asshole bus driver will be driving with the wrong number of bus! Imagine if planes did this, or trains! 'Now arriving on platform 1 is the 9:00 to London Euston (two hours later) HA! NO! This train is inbound to Leeds bitches! You lose! I might as well walk home every day if the the screw ups of bus drivers can't even drive with the right number on their dashboard.
Anyway...
I recently remembered some people I knew when I started off on youtube, not really my friends they were people I subbed who used to make videos and I used to watch and sometimes comment. They were kind of popular at the time, now no one remembers them... I think one of them moved to Russia, another was an absolute dick to his friends and lost them all (really he said what he thought about them and then claimed that it was a joke. Their names are kind of lost to me but I'm the only one who remembers them I'm sure... then I remembered some other friends that I said goodbye to here. I thought... I wish I could leave my youtube accoun behind but I can't, I want to continue but I can't everyone else has gone onto bigger and better things and I still want to do stuff. The thing that puts me off most is lack of feedback, no comments or anything, third anniversary and nothing was said... it's kind of sad in a way that those days couldn't last forever, I just let them crumble away to nothing which wasn't right.
I thought by this stage I'd meet new people and start new projects but nope... stuck here, I decided that help isn't coming, my friends are gone and they aren't coming back. So I've resurrected everything and started from the begining, I've started a playthrough of "They Hunger" for halloween and as a treat for you all I'll be putting it below each post every day as a sort of advent to halloween. I've decided that it would be fun to be in an action movie of sorts and I look forward to uploading all the parts.
Well I leave you with a song, this is from one of my favourite soundtracks of all time so enjoy.
You know it wasn't long ago that I decided to write this weekly (turned) daily collection of thoughts, but I've not had anything personal to talk about. Well I have but I was keeping it to myself for a bit.
I don't know why I held this back since I don't see the harm in anyone knowing but I only told one person about 3 years ago and kept it to myself. I don't know why anymore...
When I was 14 things were a bit more... "normal" but one day things just changed, I mean in the way I think of others. How do I mean? Well I one day stopped feeling that kind of "love" or infatuation. It just went, out of the blue I stopped seeing people that way I stopped feeling attraction of that kind to people. To be honest though I considered this a blessing, freedom from judging people from their looks and focusing on their personalities (which usually rear uglier than most faces.) I quickly discovered that those who I was... "interested" in were completley different. I no longer saw in them what I used to see just the bitter inside (yeah this is getting like a lame cheesy facebook thing written by a twelve year old girl). So this opened my eyes and freed me, in short I liked this new way of seeing people. Having no interest (for want of a better word) "romantically" with anyone else it felt like I was 'free,' no more distraction or longing or desires or hunger.
In a way it's sort of tranquil I've made more friends because of it but... (and this is a big stinky but) I've kind of hurt people as well. When people show interest I respond in a cynicle way to get out of explaining all this... it's not that it's hard to explain but it's hard for them to understand, I can predict what they would say anyway so the cold shoulder is probably the best way. Through the years of having this state of mind I've considered trying to get help to 'fix' it... but then I remember the good points. It's not like there is anyone I'm giving this up for at least not yet, so if I were to give it up I could just get pathetically lonely in the gap of 6 months and really regret it.
If I have no real reason to seek 'help' is there any point? Hell do I need help? Am I broken? Somehow I don't think I am... although I don't believe in the "soul" I still feel as though I've lost a major part of "the soul" but despite this fact, that I lost a major part of what makes you "human" I feel complete. It sounds wierd I like being alone too much, maybe that's because it's all I know now but if you find perfection would you really want to change that?
I mentioned that I told someone this and they were really supportive I consider them one of the greatest people I've met because of how supportive they were. I don't know why I told them really I don't regret it of course but looking back I guess I just wanted to see their reaction to see if it really is "wierd" or anything. They suggested I should get some form of 'help' but once again if I feel this makes me stronger... should I kill it? Or is this "happiness" just an illusion? It reminds me of that film about the angel who wants to become human again so he falls (They made a remake of it called "the city of angels" with Nicollus Cage but that's not the film I'm talking about. This film was German and was a much better version. In the Cage version he wants to become human just to 'get it on' with Meg Ryan. The original was so much more than that though, he embrases human values and learns what it means to be human... "pajamas.") Anyway the angel "falls" when he hits the floor he becomes human again... though I have no desire to jump off of the empire state building any time soon I feel it's relatable. With the gift of never being tempted or loared into getting 'hurt' is it normal to want to stop? If so... why don't I want it to stop? Well that's enough for today... maybe I'll come back to this when I have more to say about it...
Well I guess I'll leave a song again I already found a good relatable one...
You know... if I was some sort of alien or something and I wanted to wipe out the human race... Ok let me start again, If I wanted to wipe out the human race and I was for whatever reason arguing with parliament as to whether I should or not I know the best example I could use as to why there's no hope for humans... and why it would be kinder to smother humanity with a pillow lovingly right now.
Bus travel
If you want to see the worst humanity has to offer just get on a bus... my God are there some dumb people on them and well they aren't the pleasent kind of dumb their... mean!
Ok so the best example (which I may have told before, but whatever...) I once got off of a bus in order to get a connection and change onto another bus. I saw the second bus pulling into the bus stop but I couldn't reach it because I was at the traffic lights in a crowd of at least 10 people. I being in the middle of this crowd, also noticed that this is the longest "red man" ever... the bus had been pulled up and left in the time it took to change to "green."
You want to know why?
10 people in a line 1 on each side are stood right next to a button to activate the traffic light, 2 people on their left/right (depending which side their stood) to also notice...
No one had pushed the God damn light! ARGH!
So I missed my bus because the dip shits on either side of this line had just spent the last 10 minutes staring into space thinking "Gawsh... wondar wot's for dinzer today?" So yes... I (the brave, dashing protagonist of this story) had to battle my way to one of the buttons and push it. I did my best to do it right in their faces to give the message "THERE YOU DUNDERHEAD! Get it right next time yah?"
Another adventure I had was sometime last year (or maybe this year I lose track these days) when the "BBM" messanger service went down. I personally live in the past... really I do! Want to see my phone?
Ok... that's not it but it may as well be...
This is my phone from a time that this (and most lands) has forgotten... Anywho the woman behind me was hilariously pissed off at the BBM messanger service being down. She started yelling "If these people don't get it working again soon I'm going to tell them that I'll do their *$(@ head in!" (i added the *$(%@ for comic effect) Now... wouldn't the BBM team be trying to get it back up? It's not like Sony where they completely fucked up and won't admit it, they messed up, they admitted it and are currently working on it. This is their lively hood that's messed up (messed being not as bad as "fucked" up... that phrase is reserved for Sony.) It's in their best interest to get the service working again right? Also I can imagine that all your yelling won't make them work any faster if you can get in contact with the team I'm sure that you're going to be the 8th person that day who gave them a bollocking.
I hope all the ones in the world reconnected but hers didn't that would be bloody great! Though God isn't that much of a comedian.
